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All Jokes
Termite
A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the Bar Tender".
I Blew Chunks
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any
kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz,
don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I
drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender
says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".
You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.
The Frog and Golf
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9
Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing!
You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
Ribbit
3 wood".
The
guy takes out a 3 wood and BOOM!.
Hole
in one.
The
man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By
the end of the day, the man scored
the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The
frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The
frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the
man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He
sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves
it.
With
a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
"And that
is how the girl ended up in my room Elin.
this is the truth or my name is not
Tiger Woods."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a
stranger having sex with his wife. He says, "What the hell are you
two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he
was stupid."
What do you call...
What do you call a hairy man doing his gardening?
A Harry Potter
Things to Ponder
1. Do not sweat the petty things and do not pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where is the self-
help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are
not going as ghosts but as mattresses?
7. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
Camel Riding
One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new
commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything
checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on
the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of
the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to
him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman
there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but
after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men
to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work
on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his
pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men
responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
Smart Dog
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old
man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you
know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in
the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the
way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and
speak to the man.
"That is the most amazing thing I have seen," I said. "That dog
really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
Having a Baby
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to
push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh!
Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them
Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try."
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the
baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the
doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I
decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that
will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby
has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were
pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and
slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the
woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has
slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm
just glad it didn't bark!"
Lay Offs
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his
vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some
cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave
looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack
has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was
the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem.
You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to
do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
Feel Like A Woman
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up
frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die
feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this
plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Lawyers
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Moron
One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He
stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a
moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young
man stood up. The professor then asked the
kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, No, I
just did not want to see you standing there all by yourself.
True Blonde
A young brunette goes into the doctors office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it
goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You are not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I am really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
A Guy Goes Into A Bar...
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Blond short jokes
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well...Like, I dunno!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti?
A: Yeti has been spotted.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the Ws.
Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: Why is the blondes brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You do not. They are born that way.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you do not have to retrain them on Monday.
A Guy Goes Into A Bar...
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his
belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate
responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".
A Guy Goes Into A Bar...
A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the
bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The
North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
45 Year Old Ass
A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into
the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You
look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the
breasts of an eighteen year old." She starts laughing and jumping
again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-
old ass?"
"Your name never came up, " she replied.
A Guy Goes Into A Bar...
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give
me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and
the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog
says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he
sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this -
Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog
says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the
bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"
Red Suspenders
Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
There is a fly in my soup
Customer:
Waiter, Waiter what is a fly doing in my soup?
Waiter:
He appears to be doing the backstroke sir.
Big Red Rock Eater
What is big and red and eats rocks?
A Big Red Rock Eater.
Blackboard 18+
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed
someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She
turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next
day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the
word 'penis' again on the black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so
she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and
found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger
than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same
word on the board, but instead, found the words,
'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'
Final Exam
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's
it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and
asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the
other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's
raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it
was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about
to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward
them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade
Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph,
is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman
insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly
replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out
of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told
her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her
what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped
out of the circle three times!"
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the
TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she
goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and
again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a
shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and
asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve
blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a
blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's
a microwave!"
Chicken Crossing
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
I'm just trying to be helpful
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon
this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do
you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you
upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good
person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to
face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the
one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to
and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when
he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that
drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you
upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the
first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over
to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a
policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and
throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
A neutron at a bar
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Who can say this sentence?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having
adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and
says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie
replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not
creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
Looking to buy a frog?
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a
really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender
considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls
out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and
proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I
show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for
the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no
trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his
other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his
knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into
another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing
along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and
offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man
replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to
$250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00
cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the
stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been
worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere
$500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was
really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
