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All Jokes




Termite



A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the Bar Tender".









I Blew Chunks



A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.



The Frog and Golf



A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the club Away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out a 3 wood and BOOM!. Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man scored the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ." " They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl. "And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. this is the truth or my name is not Tiger Woods."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Stupid



A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger having sex with his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."



What do you call...



What do you call a hairy man doing his gardening? A Harry Potter



Things to Ponder



1. Do not sweat the petty things and do not pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where is the self- help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 6. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts but as mattresses? 7. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?



Camel Riding



One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."



Smart Dog



I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That is the most amazing thing I have seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."



Having a Baby



A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try." The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"



Lay Offs



One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."



Feel Like A Woman



As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".



Lawyers



What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? Not enough cement.



Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?



Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.



Moron



One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, No, I just did not want to see you standing there all by yourself.



True Blonde



A young brunette goes into the doctors office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You are not really a brunette, are you?" She says, "No, I am really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."



A Guy Goes Into A Bar...



Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.



Blond short jokes



Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well...Like, I dunno! Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti? A: Yeti has been spotted. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the Ws. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Q: Why is the blondes brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You do not. They are born that way. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you do not have to retrain them on Monday.



A Guy Goes Into A Bar...



A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".



A Guy Goes Into A Bar...



A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"



45 Year Old Ass



A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year- old ass?" "Your name never came up, " she replied.



A Guy Goes Into A Bar...



A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"



Red Suspenders



Why does a fireman wear red suspenders? To hold his pants up.



There is a fly in my soup



Customer: Waiter, Waiter what is a fly doing in my soup? Waiter: He appears to be doing the backstroke sir.



Big Red Rock Eater



What is big and red and eats rocks? A Big Red Rock Eater.



Blackboard 18+



One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, 'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'



Final Exam



A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."



Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer



A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"



Blonde Car Accident



One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"



I Want to Buy That



A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"



Chicken Crossing



Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double-crosser. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.



I'm just trying to be helpful



A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep". Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"



A neutron at a bar



A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"



Who can say this sentence?



The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."



Looking to buy a frog?



A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."



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